Days this week have been spent with my hair scraped back in an unflattering ponytail, baking to make people like me and smoking furiously. I’ve spent plenty of time in bed listening to music, watching unintelligent movies and pointless documentaries and stalking erstwhile friends. In the evenings I’ve either lazed on the couch with cups of tea, or stumbled from bar to bar between glasses of Bombay and soda water. All blatant avoidance tactics.
I’m procrastinating packing to a ridiculous degree right now; I know it doesn’t really seem like such a big deal since I’ve got a whole week to get all my things together, but I actually own so much rubbish. What person, let alone a girl who claims to love fashion, needs 30 fake tan stained t-shirts in various discolouring shades of white?! I’ve got hundreds of balled up pieces of till roll with notes I’ve written to myself at work stashed in my bedside table, clothing tags that I thought were particularly pretty and more glitter, sequins and rhinestones than is probably appropriate for someone who was in full-time employment and trying to act like an adult. I’ll admit it - I’m a hoarder.
I’m going to get my act together tomorrow. I’m going to become ruthless and although it’ll pain me to do so, I’m going to throw out anything I haven’t worn in the past 6 months. I’m anticipating that this will be around half my wardrobe as most of my clothes are leftovers from when I was thin. I’m going to be following the new One-In One-Out policy my best friend has recently devised in an attempt to create a capsule wardrobe which will evolve as I do into an Ultimate Girl*.
*more on the concept of the “Ultimate” to come in the future, but for now I’ll just let you know that she is definitely not anything like Carrie Bradshaw. I’m currently watching the Sex and the City movie and I can’t understand why women fawn over her like she’s some sort of an icon for a generation - she’s not. She’s a needy, selfish brat with deplorable taste in clothing and men and I despise her and her friends.
It’s been a while, so this will be a combination of the past week and the best of the last few months.
Listening: (Click through for favourites) House of Balloons - The Weeknd, Nostalgia/Ultra - Frank Ocean, Hoodmorning #notypo: Candy Coronas - The Game and most recently, the highly anticipated Watch the Throne - Jay Z & Kanye West. The first time I listened to WTT I was a little disappointed - there wasn’t one song that I instantly loved and there were a couple that I just felt weren’t album worthy. I listened again and again and I adore it now. Stream the full album here to see what I mean.
Watching: I’ve done nothing for two days but watch movies that I’d be mortified to disclose the titles of so publicly, but let’s just say that one of them really could have benefitted from a little Lohan. A couple of weeks ago I went to see the French adaptation of Douglas Kennedy’s “The Big Picture” (the book that made me decide on Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blanc as my favourite wine at the age of twelve). It was beautifully shot in Paris and on the Adriatic coast and starred the super handsome Romain Duris who I’ll never tire of looking at. I’ve also watched the “Otis” video about 50 times.
Reading: I went to Portugal with my family for a week in July which finally allowed me the peace I needed to tear myself away from the internet and read more than three pages at a time. The most noteworthy book I read was “Loving Frank” by Nancy Horan, a historical novel documenting the illicit love affair of Mamah Borthwick Cheney and the famous Frank Lloyd Wright from the female’s perspective. I was only vaguely familiar with the architect’s work but after reading this book I felt compelled to properly research their lives and was fascinated to discover how accurate the story was.
Wearing: I’m trying not to go out so often and so at the moment I practically live in my work dress or camouflage shorts. Oh, and I also dressed up in my friend’s work uniform.
Wanting: Jeffrey Campbell Rosie Cutout Combat Boots, someone to do all my packing for me and just one more month in Glasgow, please?
Eating: 4+ apples/day, far too many homemade brownies and cookies and Chilli Chicken Noodle Salad from Tesco.
Buying: these rings and a Tangle Teezer for my ratty extensions.
Dreaming of: being thin and the entire Liberty Loves Hello Kitty collection.
I only have two weeks now before I pack up my life and move back to my parents’ house. It hadn’t really hit me until very recently that my whole life is about to change - for a long time it just seemed so far away that it felt like it was never actually going to happen. I’m leaving behind my best friends, my job, my home and my independence in the hope that this year I’ll finally be able to sort myself out and start doing something productive. I’m excited to begin something that I enjoy, excited to be close to people who can look after me and excited to have a more balanced diet than gin, apples, prawns and brownies. Yet, at the same time I’m terrified; I’ve been having even more trouble sleeping than usual and I am plagued with nightmares about growing apart from everyone I love and finding myself stuck in a small-town life I don’t want. I am honestly the biggest drama queen. More realistically I’ll have way more money to spend on clothes, way more time to spend in the gym, way less desire to drink to excess and I’ll be back here in a year’s time. Naturally I haven’t even thought about packing, cleaning or making arrangements because I’m much happier planning out my Autumn/Winter look and scanning the internet for things I’ll buy when I don’t have to feed myself. Here are a couple of things I’d like to purchase when I return to the life of a full-time brat/part-time student:
Now I’m off to make brownies and cookies for the girl it’ll break my heart to leave behind, watch Lost in Translation and drink lots of green tea.
It has been exactly a month since I last wrote and I felt that it was about time that I posted again. The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of exercise, cheap vodka, artificial sunlight and fromage frais and I don’t know quite how I feel about it. I’ve had some amazing times with some wonderful people, but I can’t help to think that it’s time to calm myself down for a while and aim for a little more than just looking like a Saturday and behaving like a Lohan.
I’ve used the phrase “crisis of character” a lot in the past couple of weeks (I’m not sure if I made it up, but it seems fitting) because I don’t think I like myself anymore. I know, I know it just sounds so thoroughly self-involved and melodramatic - quelle surprise - but it’s just so difficult to be alive when you’re unsure if you’re a nice person or not! I haven’t made much of a plan to remedy the situation yet because I’m relying on winning the Lottery in the next month or so and using my winnings to do some good in the world.
The money would come in pretty handy for myself too - I won’t manage to be totally selfless instantly! There are just so many beautiful things that I have my eye on at the moment:
Need to get back to watching Three in a Bed
, scoffing at this
thread on mumsnet.com and waiting
for my fortune.
I’ve had a fairly relaxed week with birthday obligations quietening down slightly to around one per week and an overtime ban allowing me to work 5.5 hours less. I enjoyed returning to my Friday night exercise/clean/tan routine, wearing a cute new pair of oyster coloured, snake-print shoes to work on Saturday and then seeing friends in the evening. I had a lovely day with Cici today; we slept late then Facebook stalked in my bed before venturing out to Tinderbox for a coffee and a chat. We came home and watched Beautiful Kate on Apple TV which I received for my birthday - I love that I can download a film so easily and not have to watch it on my tiny 13” laptop screen.
I first saw Beautiful Kate as part of the Contemporary World Cinema course at the GFT in July (when I just happened to be going through a phase where I was fascinated by incest…). I love everything about that cinema and think it’s absolutely gorgeous, I’ve seen some terrific things there but no matter how amazing what I see on the screen is, it can never live up to the stunning Art Deco interior. I just think it’s a lovely place to have so close by and I would miss places like it so much if I were to have to move back home. It’s kind of a last resort but I have been applying to colleges all over the country in the hopes of getting a place somewhere to build a portfolio to get to into a better course next year. The course that it makes the most sense for me to do is at home but after living independently for 3 years, I just don’t think I’d manage to go back to being treated like a child.
I love visiting home though and, work providing, may get a chance next weekend to return to celebrate my brother’s 18th birthday and a yet another friend’s 21st. Hopefully the train ride will provide the time and environment which will allow me to actually read that book!
Listening: DOA (Death of Auto-tune) - Jay-Z, Children’s Story - The Game, Rapture - Blondie
Watching: Not as much TV as I’d have liked as my social life keeps interfering with my real life! But I’ve watched The Godfather 1, 2 & 3 and Seasons 1-7 of Peep Show in the past week. I also saw the Born This Way video and absolutely hated it; it’s repulsive and only redeems itself when Gaga is in a bikini/dressed as a skeleton.
Reading: Remember in this post from two weeks ago I mentioned that I’d started a book? Well I haven’t actually progressed with it at all, it’s always in my bag but with my attention span I can’t read unless I’m locked in my bedroom with no distractions! I’ve become so unintelligent.
Wearing: These lovely shoes that I got in the Russell & Bromley sale for £35, Models Own nail polish in Juicy Jules, these lipsticks, and my hair in a tousled side ponytail.
Wanting: To break my weight-loss plateau and I’d like wooden flooring in my bedroom to replace my make-up stained carpet.
Eating: Sugar snap peas, mini carrots and Reese’s Pieces.
Buying: Today I got my eyebrows done at the Benefit Brow Bar and got GOSH Velvet Touch Foundation Primer to try out.
Dreaming of: Skimpy clothes, summertime and hopefully attending college in August.
I lack focus and drive in my life, but it’s not through absence of ambition - if anything I am too ambitious. I want to be the best at everything, I want to experience every career that I’ve ever expressed any degree of interest in and I don’t want to waste my life doing something only to realise it was all wrong for me. I can’t stand the idea of having a mediocre life and not making something of myself.
The first thing I ever wanted to do was be a vet (which is now hilarious considering the mutual hatred between animals and I) and like everything else I become interested in, I was obsessed. I would be allowed to stay up until 7:30PM on a Monday evening to watch Animal Hospital with all my toys lined up beside me. I had a stuffed animal which was particularly creepy; you could make an injury appear by dabbing particular parts of its body with water and then bandage it up with velcro plasters. Like most of my fixations though, this was fleeting and quickly replaced with many more dreams and all the necessary accessories and accoutrements that went alongside them.
Concert pianist, children’s TV presenter, pop star, opera singer, foreign correspondent, doctor, lawyer, dentist, fashion designer… The list could go on forever, there is almost nothing I can think of that I haven’t decided was all I wanted to do at one point or another. In recent years I have gone from studying to be a powerful business woman to working in a shoe shop - it’s hardly the Cinderella story I had dreamed of. I know I have the urge to do something creative and, ruling out the possibilities of hairdresser and make-up artist, I decided to go back to college and study fashion. I’ll hopefully get to university at some point and maybe I’ll get a degree by the time I’m about forty!
If everything fails, I’ll fall back on the idea of becoming Tom Ford’s muse or specialising in providing blinged out nails to the stars.
I had a great time at home and did some super fun things. After I got off the train on Wednesday evening and returned to my flat I found my sweetest friends in my living room with balloons and sparkles everywhere. I really was joking when I said I’d be in a big huff if I didn’t get a surprise party, swearsies. I feel almost guilty that I got one now after being a diva about it, but oh it was just so wonderful and lovely.
These are some of my favourites of the 450 photos we took that night:
They’re just the absolute best and I genuinely was so surprised - I turned up to my own party without any make-up on, in flats and wearing my retainer! The flat is such a mess now though, glitter everywhere and I really need to wash the floors. Unfortunately I’m bedridden with tonsillitis and won’t feel like cleaning any time soon. I felt pretty horrible all day yesterday and thought it would have gone away by today, but I was up all night crying like a little drama queen because I couldn’t sleep as my throat was too sore. I dragged myself to A&E this morning at around 06:30 and waited for an hour and a half to be seen (everything health related from now on must be private!). I begged the doctor to take my tonsils out but she just laughed at me and sent me home with some penicillin and orders to rest. I’m so bored and moody and I just want someone to cheer me up.
I hear I’m really hard to buy gifts for so if you’re struggling, here’s what I really want for my birthday:
Breitling Super Avenger Diamond Watch.
Price on request - surely I’m worth it, no?
I’m going to London tomorrow, it’s pretty last minute but I still managed to get a really cheap train ticket. I have to be on the train by 06:50 and I can already see it being a bit of a struggle. I’m going to get a couple of movies from the iTunes store tonight (probably Winter’s Bone and The Illusionist) and I really hope there is Wifi on the train, as 5h 51 offline would be almost impossible for me.
I don’t have very much planned for my stay, but I’ll be going with my dad so I’ll eat at lovely restaurants and plenty of shopping is to be expected. I really want to go to the V&A also to see the “Imperial Chinese Robes from the Forbidden City” exhibition and as pathetic as it sounds I always, always enjoy a trip to Wholefoods. I’m so excited for one to open in Glasgow, but I’ll need a car to get there. Just saying…
Hopefully this trip will be a delight and go without any minor hiccups or major emotional breakdowns before/during/on the street outside Les Miserables!
I started a book yesterday and these two words stood out to me in the first chapter, though I think I read it out of context. It referred to priests but I just thought that it was so lovely and decided to apply it to myself - I’ve always loved alliteration. I’m constantly in a daydream of some sort; I’m a huge thinker and I get distracted easily. I have so much going on in my head that I’m not the best to converse with as it can be difficult to keep track of the numerous tangents that I go off on.
I sometimes fear falling off of the treadmill at the gym because my mind is other places or I’m too busy looking around at other people. I find it really difficult to focus and the only thing that really seems to help is playing certain music really loudly. These are some of my favourite songs that are helping me right now:
At first I was pretty disappointed with “Born This Way” because I thought it was so awfully cringey and just nothing like I wanted from Gaga, but now I love it. It’s so upbeat and catchy and I can’t help but to smile when I hear it - I really am a sucker for some inspirational lyrics.
As much as I love my MBTs for walking, I’m starting to find them a little heavy to wear when exercising. I saw these in a magazine last week and I think I’m going to get them in the next couple of months:
They are the Reebok Easytone Reeinspire trainers and they cost £101 with my chosen customisation; which I think is very beautiful although I’d have preferred the gold to be slightly more gold! Oh gosh I am just so
fit and healthy - I’m going for a cigarette to reward myself.
I said to myself that I wouldn’t go to bed tonight until my room was clean and tidy and, although I left it until around 10PM to stop being distracted by everything and actually start putting things away, it’s finished. I won’t dread waking up tomorrow and being surrounded by clothes, dishes and magazines strewn all over the place and I’ll hopefully have an amazing sleep. During cleaning I discovered that I had a fairly sizeable amount of our dishes in my bedroom:
4 wine glasses
2 plastic beakers
and a ramekin
How sick is that?! That’s probably not even the worst haul ever. I’m just waiting for my sheets to finish drying and so I decided to do a comedy take on the popular “What’s in my bag?” post:
15 tea bags - Slim Plus
and Green teaNars Orgasm blush
, Hoola by Benefit bronzer
, Viva Glam Gaga 1
lipsticks by M.A.C
4 packets of cigarettes (3 are empty)
Moleskine and 2 Sharpies
Teeth whitening gel
Stain removing wipes
Airwaves Cherry Menthol
chewing gum and Werther’s Original
I’m disgusting I know - my manager points it out every time I leave the shop, as she has to check my bag to make sure I’m not stealing shoe polish or insoles or something. I’ll sort it out one of these days.
I absolutely hate my birthday. To anyone who knows me and knows how much I love being the centre of attention this will come as a shock but, anyone who really knows me won’t be too surprised. I hate the pressure of birthdays, I hate having a party and forcing my friends to celebrate ME and I hate the idea of things not being perfect. I’ve always been like this and until last year I’ve never had a birthday party when I haven’t been in a huff and ruined everything for myself.
My parents are so in love with birthdays though and I’ve always had the most lovely parties, the magicians of the moment and the best dresses but if one tiny detail didn’t go exactly how I’d imagined I’d be devastated. These huffs have ranged from crying in the corner to full on diva fit and it’s something I’m definitely not proud of - I was a brat.
Something I was laughing about the other day was looking back to my Pocahontas Party when I was 6 and I wasn’t allowed the prize even though I’d won musical bumps (I have always been very competitive) because my Mum said it was rude to win at my own party. Nothing could cheer me up; not my friends, not the bouncy castle and not even the cake!
From then on there have been celebrations of various scales which I have built up in my head and have always managed to destroy but last year was different. I had a night out like I’d have any normal night out and it was drama free and just nice. I don’t like the idea of being responsible for other people having a good time and I hate having to circulate amongst a large group.
So I’m going to be 21 and I’m hoping to let the whole thing quietly pass by with a meal and a cake and a little time off work. That’s the plan so far, but being well aware of what I’m like, I’ll probably have a major huff if someone doesn’t plan me a My Super Sweet 16 style surprise blowout!